Finding my Way

The first day all three of my children went to school, I walked around in circles in my house, then wandered aimlessly around Target and ended up with a Starbucks Refresher watching people walk in and out of the grocery store.  Wait, I take that back, that was the second day. The first day I talked on the phone with my Mom , then my sister, then a best friend, drank coffee and POOF it was time for pick up. 

The awkwardness set in on the second day.  I was not prepared for this in any way.  I had silently smirked at the poor Kindergarten Moms who were crying dropping off their babies for the first time.  I gave my own kindergartner a sweet shove toward his teacher and a kiss, then bolted to help my other two find their classes.  "How can they be crying?" I thought.  "Kindergarten is the next step, we can not keep them on our laps forever!" 

Well, after I found myself wandering through the pet aisle I begin to wonder if  I was a little sad.  And if I was sad, was it because I was going to miss my little guy asking for another Popsicle or asking me questions like how many bites would it take a dinosaur to eat a hippo?  Or, was I sad because now having all three kids in school I wasn't sure what my role was.  Both I think. 

After 10 years of being at stay at home Mom with little ones at home I never could have predicted how this phenomenon of all three being in school would create such a lost feeling.  Sure I have a million projects I can now finish, hobbies I have wanted to pursue and of course house hold running itself never really ends.
I suddenly had the strong desire to make sure what I did during those 8 hours really counted.  I didn't for one second want my husband to know I was sucking on a Starbucks looking at dog toys for half an hour  during my first week of freedom. I didn't want my kids to know that I had spent a good part of the morning thinking of all the fun stuff we did over the summer, Kleenex in hand.  They were all being productive , shouldn't I?  But, I am tired and a little confused and maybe a trip to a bookstore will help me focus. 
 
This back and forth in my head, trying to decide who I was trying to please  or whose affirmation I needed went on for the the first week at least.  I still don't have a good answer.  I do know though that no one in my family is thinking about what I'm doing while they are at school or work, so that's good  And when they get home no one is badgering me with questions about how I spent my day.  Which means, I have got to do some thinking about what I want to pursue.  I am very blessed for this option.  I am praying for a direct word from God, but so far He is quiet, but He is with me and I am liking that. 

Everybody knows you are not suppose to wrap your identity up with your kids only.   But there is nothing like no kids being around to force you to figure out where your identity lies.